Saturday, 9 September 2006

Alien abduction

On Thursday evening, aliens removed two parts of Yorkshire. Experimented on them and returned them in the early hours of the morning. The Navigation Public House was spirited away from its canal side location and what is more I believe the locals were in on it. Every one I asked said "it joost 'arf mile dowen rood, ya can't miss it. I did! Many times.

Prior to that I went to Ikea in Leeds, on my return I discovered that Mirfield had completely vanished and not for the first time, it wasn't very apparent when I arrived in the morning. Supposedly the biggest village in the country had been taken away for two periods of several hours while I was searching for it. I was reminded of the story of Brigadoon, only emerging for the mists of time once every hundred years.

Where I lived in Calne there was a sign on the edge of town announcing that you had arrived. Not so in Mirfield, in fact not many road signs (to Mirfield) at all. I think Yorkshire must be a poor county if they can't afford to tell people where they are. Added to that, they have no funding for roundabouts. You cannot say "I will turn round at the next roundabout" because there isn’t any. If you go to places like Aylesbury or Hemmel Hempstead the road network is littered with roundabouts like Polka dots on a bikini, nearly every junction has one, but Yorkshire nah barely an isolated mole on the bum.

If you ever go to Yorkshire never ask a Yorkshire man the way to anywhere. First off for an increasing number of Yorkies, English is their second language and secondly none of them know where they are anyway so can't actually direct you anywhere not even to the curb If you happen to be a Yorkie reading this, and more important from Mirfield the Navigation pub is not on the road just opposite the Swan not even close. It's not even on the same side of the canal. This I know because I am writing this from the Navigation pub.

I feel I shall be forever doomed to wander the Yorkshire dales looking for Mirfield in the mists of time or waiting in Mirfield for my boat so I can get away when the time portal opens.

PS Since when has Larger been £2:50 a pint! Don't these people know I have just left Saudi Arabia minus a good few grand! Do they have no mercy!

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