Friday, 31 July 2009

Dead Stuff

It is surprising how many dead things come our way. Apart from Morts collection of bones and the 2 Herons and a deer I reported earlier last year, we have a bucket full of 3 moles 1 bat 1 squirrel all very unsavoury.

At the Quarry we often find bones of one sort or another which end up at Morts. There have been two rather large dead carp floating up and down the canal near our mooring lately. Most of a deer skeleton came into my hands a while back.

And as if that is not enough even the dogs are finding them. Boots was proudly strutting his stuff the other day with a dead mole in his mouth, "Look mum, look what I got". It did nothing for his dental hygine, then he dropped it and rolled all over it improving his body odour not one bit. After that Molly decided to roll in it as well, PEEEEWWW!!! After the second time I decided to remove the said body from the field while doing this I found another and a dead snake.

But having said all that we have the benefit of the 59 bus which occasionaly puts a fresh pheasant our way.

Life at Chaise Bones is a mortuary.

Thursday, 30 July 2009


I have solved the mystery of why boaters go faster in the rain. They are all sexual deviants. There I was looking out of my side hatch one afternoon last week as a boat went by and there framed in the hatchway was the answer.

Q: When you have an umbrella in one hand and a cuppa in the other where do you put the tiller?

A: Up ya bum!
I have no personal knowledge of this you understand, but what effect this has but with both hands full and a 2" vibrating pole stuck up your norty regions, one can imagine the steerer doesn't give a s**t how fast he is going.

So there we have it, mystery solved.

If you speed past a moored boater on the lower Oxford and he yells, "Up ya bum!", he is not offering you a date rather telling you that you are going a bit fast.

Wednesday, 29 July 2009


So there we were sat in the pub, on the window seat, not that the specific location adds anything to this post.There across the pub at the round table was a couple deep in conversation, occasionally looking over at us.

They were in a conversation of disagreement, disagreement about us, who we were. Both agreed that Mort was Mort as we later found out, but it was a tossup as to which waterway persona I was. The lady had it right, she had read my blog before. He was totally off the mark. I am far better looking than Steve Haywood.

Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Online again

Oh Joy of Joys! Last year I bought a new computer from Staples. In February when it went tits up I couldnt take it back because I couldnt find the receipt. I have now bought a new DELL computer and so am online again at my pleasure.

I picked up the computer from Curry's took it home switched it on and got the dreaded BLUE SCREEN. Of course I was quite charmed by the experience of shelling out several hundred sovs for a broken computer. I took it back the next day and after trying to start it up they conceeded and gave me a new one. Added to this they gave me 10 pounds back to cover my petrol cost.

What I don't understand is why I had to wait 20 minutes for the original salesman to deal with the problem when there where others standing around doing nothing.

Monday, 27 July 2009

Otters seen on the Oxford

Recent reports (last night in the pub) of Otters in the canal, south of Banbury, were sadly quashed following a good description of a mink.


One of the biggest social problems we have today is lack of community.The type of community we had before WW2 where every everyone looked after everyone else. Children were safe (relatively) and people would band together to help out a sick neighbour.

One good thing about boating is that the community that existed 'once upon a time' in the social strata generally does still exist now.

Not only are people asking after me since my 'accident' but they are only too keen to help. Monday Martin nb ULYSSES took me to the Trauma Unit, Tuesday Lillian nb CALM DOWN bought me lunch then went to the corner shop for vitals (newspaper & Chocie).

Dusty the coal man came after lunch seeking payment for the diesel I had last week he didn't bat an eyelid when I asked him to take me to the Boat Inn to use their facilities, he even bought me a pint to ease the pain. After that he took me into town to the bank to fetch his 'dues' While in town he got his hair cut and then waited while I got mine done. How cool is that?

Again on Wednesday Lillian came for a vitals run, then later she did bring me lunch again but unfortunately I wasn't in, simply because Tim nb JENNY ROSE and also of Annie's Tea Shop came and collected me to take me to the tea shop mainly so I could use the lavatorial facilities and of course munch cake.

On his way to the pub PJ comes over to take me there if I want to go (he moors in Abingdon so doesn't drink).

There are those, who when I respond to their, "What have you done", with "Ruptured Achilles Tendon" come back with "Ooooo you don't want to do that it's painful", like I need telling. But all in all the community treats me good just like they might have done 60 years ago and for this I am very grateful.

Mortimer Bones of course is an absolute angel, always there, always helping, always my best friend.

Sunday, 26 July 2009

Molly at last

"No I don't want my picture took"

'OK I'll sit but I wont smile'

"Just Kidding!"

"How do you like my Basking Shark impression?"


President came past this week while I was sitting out sunning my self.

This be he stuck on the bottom at my mooring.

Balancing on one leg I managed to get this shot but not the one I wanted.

Friday, 24 July 2009

John Radcliffe Hospital Oxford

Say what you like about the NHS the John Radcliffe Hospital Oxford is a fabulous facility. I have always received the best treatment in a very timely manner. The nursing staff are all very competent and the Surgeons excellent. The food is exceptional for hospital food. All in all the JRH Oxford is an exceptional place to be sick in if you have to be sick that is. It will be an even better place if they ever get round to finishing it!

Another Op

Thursday saw my 5th operation at the JR hospital in 2 years this boating malarkey is quite a bit dangerous.

Mort arranged for Kate Saffin to take me to the hospital. The trauma unit was closed so off I went to the Lichfield Unit which is where I have been done before. Mort arrived at the Trauma Unit askin for me they said they didn't know where I was. Mort realised I had gone up stairs. Eventually I was recalled down to the other day surgery unit.

I had been placed on the wrong list and would be rescheduled to the afternoon for a local. Quite a long wait really and avoidable. As it happens I ended up having a general, the reason being that the first needle caused me so much pain the surgeon refused to continue till I was out cold. In a way I am glad he did because after the cannula was placed in my hand I woke up done. What is more I felt great!

My body temp was low and it took some time to raise it using a hot air blanket, I didn't see what all the fuss was about I felt good. Mort was there when I got back to the ward and came back with the dogs later to pick me up. In all she came up four times that day I arrived home late with the aid of the wonderful Miss Bones and following a sandwich and a cream cake had a fitful sleep.

I now have 2 weeks, with this the third back slab plaster, before physio starts.
The surgeon say it will be upto 2 months before I am allowed to put any weight on my leg. Oh joy!


Just when you think things are going OK and you start to enjoy life it turns around and bites you in the bum or in my case in the leg.

We had a great night at the Battle Proms over at Blenheim Palace. Either the Duke of Marlborough just thought of inviting a few friends to tea or wanted to give the peasants a bit of culture. The latter I suspect, especially as the peasants were coughing up 30 sovs a pop for the 'invite'.

We were led to believe that the 1812 was played for the first time ever exactly as Ludwig had wanted it with 197 cannons on the music score. There was no shortage of cannons.

A flying display which consisted of one two seat Spitfire (of which there are not very many) thrilled the crowds.

All in all a fabulous night well worth the levy. Then home.

It was just after midnight as I was leaving my boat for a nightcap with Bones that I tripped on my rope and ruptured my Achilles tendon. Oh the pain!!!!!!!! So bad was it that I actually prayed to die.

Of course me being me thought I had pulled a muscle and 'it would e better in a few days'. This would explain why I took the dogs for a walk on Sunday morning and later took the boat for water. Stupid Boy!

Sunday afternoon saw my good friend Mort take me to A&E where I was plastered and given an appointment to return Monday.

On Monday Martin of nb Ulysses ferried me around the hospital. An Ultra sound scan and a visit to the trauma department confirmed the worst Achilles tendon definatly bust. Another plaster and a 'can you come back on Thursday for the op?' By now the pain had ceased and I was feeling better. So off I went for a few days rest and a bit of practice with my new crutches.

Friday, 17 July 2009

Winning is all

A small schoolboy at the sports day breaks the winning line with his egg still on his spoon. Overjoyed at his prowess as racing balancer of eggs he raises his arms in the air pronouncing for all present that he is the WINNER!

A teacher witnessing this takes the lad to one side and totally destroys his moment. "There are no winners its just a bit of fun", she says.This does not make the slowcoach at the back feel any less last. Everyone knows he/she was last. All that has been achieved is one 5 year old's moment of glory has been dashed by some teacher with her PC head up her arse.

Its no wonder that our children are failing if we are teaching them that winning is not important.Winning is the most important thing we have. It means that someone was the first to discover penicillin, it means that some one was first to discover X-rays, it means that someone was the first to find a cure for a cancer; it means that someone was first to invent anesthetic . . . . need I go on.

Winning is important to me. Had someone not had the enthusiasm to say we can do this and discovered inert optical plastics I would be blind.

We don't speak German because we won the war, but we will loose the peace if we don't win anymore.

Thursday, 16 July 2009


With the advent of Windows Vista Microsoft heralded it as the only operating system you will ever need. It, like other systems were force fed to us all by all the computer shop/sheds having it pre-installed on every computer they sold.

My question is, if it was so good why are they producing Windows 7?

What is so different that we need it now?

Do we really need another pile of crap that no one really wants just a year or two after they have learned to use Vista?

All that seems to be happening is tail chasing. We have big hard drives so the manufacturers of software can make bigger programs so the drive makers can make bigger drives so the . . . . . I think you get my point.

So what if you can store a million music files on the drive you will never listen to them! It's a bit like my quarry here at Shipton we can fill it with 1 million tons of hard core and soil but we can only walk on the top inch.

Despite all the hours MS have put into it W7 will not do what I want in a way I want it done. It will continue to ask me if what I just asked it to do is really what I want to do. It will ask if I "really want to close this window", (which is why I clicked on the little cross in the top right hand corner). My computer will still do what it wants when it wants. It will print when it thinks printing is the new black. It will send emails when the moon is blue Stilton, it will tell me I am not allowed to do that despite doing it yesterday without problem, It will once more tell me that I do not have the correct administrator access or it will tell me to contact the administrator for my system (me). It will allow twisted morons with no life to hijack my email address and send all my, now ex, mates sales patter for crap they neither want or need, or drugs they have been trying to kick for several years. At the end of all that it will still be interminably slow, to the point where either I throw it out of the window or I shoot myself.

Why, oh why, oh why, don't they just make what they have better!

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

Right or wrong?

At 69 years of age Maria Del Carmen Bousada has sadly died. Not a great age you might say, it wasn't. What is sadder still is that her two year old sons are left to grow up without a mother. Yes that's right at 67 she gave birth to twin boys. This is exactly why fertility treatment should be used with care, consideration and wisdom. This woman lied about her age to get the treatment which was pioneered with young(er) couples in mind who could not conceive naturally. I am not a greatly religious man but such acts of selfishness fly in the face of all that is decent, all that is right and indeed nature herself.
There are good sound reasons why women have the menopause. It is natures way of saying enough is enough, you are no longer fit enough to do this, the risk is too great.
If a young woman should be unlucky enough to have a menopause early (an unnatural phenomenon) she should be helped, I don't disagree with that, but there are more than enough years for any woman to get her life sorted early enough to have her children within the natural allotted time span.
Thank goodness the NHS will not give IVF to these women and here private clinics draw the line at 50.

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

US not the USA

Asperger's Syndrome sufferer, Gary McKinnon, allegedly hacked into a computer system in the USA. The USA want him extradited to the States to face charges that could put him in jail for up to 60 years.

Short of locking him up he should receive a medal for exposing flaws that the multi million dollar system builders should have sorted in the first place. That Gary could hack into the system is an indication that someone in America is taking money under false pretenses.

Now many MPs who originally backed the proposal to prevent this extradition have gone all jelly spined and refused to vote against the government.

Poor Gary is up the creek with out a paddle. Americans are baying for blood on one side of the water while this side he is being unceremoniously launched into the hostile sea. Shame on our government for not standing by one of our citizens.

Our Parliamentarians need to remember who they are representing. It is US not the USA who put them in their exalted positions. It is US not the USA who pay their vastly exaggerated salaries. They should start working for the common good of US, every one of US not the USA.

Given the bunch of ugly bastards that pepper our house of commons I just might think of standing myself. If nothing else I am better looking than most of them.

Monday, 13 July 2009

Time to go Mr Brown

The Army chiefs are saying that our troops in Afghanistan don't have the equipment they need to do the job. They are profesional. They understand the situation. Many have been there at the sharp end and stood toe to toe with the enemy at some time.

However some jumped up wannabe, pretending to be the priminster, says they have all the equipment they need.

Who should we believe? The men who stand on the line and often over it or a man who doesn't even know where the line is. The men whose commitment to duty is never questioned or a man whose commitment to duty, the people of this country, is determined by self interest. The men to whom honour is a way of life or a man whose honour is severly suspect.

We cannot allow a man who changes the rules when he doesnt like the outcome to be the man who our troops rely on for their lives. Nor can we allow someone who refuses to allow democracy to run this country to stand up and say I have your best interest at heart. I seem to remember Mrs Hitlers little boy did that!

The time has come the walrus said to talk of many things. Gordon Brown must step down. He is not the peoples choice, has never had one vote cast in his favour as Prime Minister, he certainly does not have my respect and I doubt many others. His truth is espied through a crooked eye and therefore flawed.

His best mate Mandelson was twice disgraced and left government under a cloud yet now is a senior member of the cabinet, a bloody Lord no less, not one vote in his favour from the people.

We live in modern times, but Gordon Brown would do well to remember, 'of the people by the people for the people', I think GB stopped being one of the people a long time ago. Our troops derserve the best Brown isnt the best. As an accountant he may well have been a great Chancellor of the Exchequer, but as a Prime Minister he is a mediocre plumber.

Sunday, 12 July 2009


Two questions asked on GOOGLE today
Will eberspacher hydronic 10 run on white diesel?
Will hydronic 10 coke up on white diesel?
both led the searcher to narrowboater.blogspot I trust he found what he was looking for.

I don't think there was ever any worries about the Eberspacher running on white diesel, it's what they were designed for. Now running on red diesel that a different question.

Friday, 10 July 2009

Ha Ha

Last night I was watching with disgust as Blue Goose sped past. I mentioned that he would pull my pins out, which he did, but he seem oblivious. Well ha ha ha he may have learned a valuable lesson. If you must go speeding don't do it on a blind bend, especially if you are going to want to stop to pickup crew.

My pins were ripped out but I couldn't help laughing and applauding as he pulled into the offside to pick up his crew member demolished half a tree lost the contents of his roof and got stuck in shallow water.

I was well amused! If all speeding boaters are going to cause this level of entertainment lets have more, its worth the work putting your pins back in.

Its a good job nb Harari Kishti and nb Faith were not on their mooring of he would have given them a good bashing too!

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Sp**ding Again

It's been raining. "I know," you might think, "but so what?" Lots of rain equals soft banks. Soft banks equal torn/bent pins. Banks then collapse and there are fewer places to moor. Yesterday One Anglo Welsh boat and two from College Cruisers came past at a phenomenal speed in the rain. What were they trying to achieve? Does one get less wet if one goes faster? I don't know but the bastards pulled my pins and damaged the bank. It's a shame we cant install speed bumps.

I think I will write to the APCO to see if I can ascertain what there rules are for operators and how they police that.

Thursday, 2 July 2009


I said earlier this week that there was more in the pot for the flawed 20ps, and there is, if you want to wait a bit.

And it would apear that the sky is the limit


@M99RAP said on twitter
watching the non stop MJ videos on tv & can't help but sing & dance along! Pure legend genius!

It will take the world awhile 2 get over this

Maffi said, "Most of 'the world' struggles to find enough to eat and drink every day. I doubt they even know who MJ is, let alone care".

I cannot believe that these twitter people can be so shallow